my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
