If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
