He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
