I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
false alarm. still invincible.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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