honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
