upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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