he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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