3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
