i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
