idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
