I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
