Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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