Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
