I feel great
I just peed on a car
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize