Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
