WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
