If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
