Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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