you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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