I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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