so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
