good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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