you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
