I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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