have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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