I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
