then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
All the doctor said was why
My vagina is very pro this idea
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
