apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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