Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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