my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
