So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
