so that wasnt chicken after all
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
