Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize