My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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