I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
