it was like his penis was on wheels.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
