i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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