I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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