I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
