I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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