i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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