you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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