I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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