I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
