remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
