Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
