I murdered the dance floor call the cops
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
