Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Ketchup is God's man juice
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Your penis caused this!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
