I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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