In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
