Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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