In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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