Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
