the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
