You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize