3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
